Talking to the Birthmother
About Her Child

There are several different reasons why a birthmother may choose to give their child up for adoption.

Parents are Deceased: The most obvious reason a child becomes an orphan is because their parents are deceased and there are no other family members to claim guardianship of them, they will then go up for adoption.

Foster Care: In some cases the birth mothers parenting skills are a little less than desirable; there may be abuse, neglect, gambling issues, drugs could be involved or any other number of unacceptable social situations.

The children are apprehended until the mother has made lifestyle improvements and if she does not the child is awarded state guardianship and put up for adoption.

Mom is Too Young or Not Ready: And finally, some women are just too young or they cannot financially raise a child, or a child may be born to an unwanted pregnancy. In order to ensure that their child has a good future, the birthmother would prefer to entrust them to willing and able couples.

Be Considerate of the Birth Mom's Feelings

Now, when a mother is separated from her child, life will be very trying on her for some time to come. She will probably feel that no matter how hard that she would have tried, she would never have been able to give her child the good life that they deserve. She will likely feel inadequate and experience low self-esteem about herself.

What Should You Do?

This is where it’s up to you, the adoptive parent to be encouraging to her, without being condescending. You will need to be kind and gentle, but firm. You should be in constant contact with her without making her feel that she is being taken advantage of.

Whenever you find it necessary to have a conversation with the birth mom, be prepared for anger and defensiveness on her part. She may be confrontational, but you shouldn’t misinterpret this as a sign that you should engage in an argument with her.

Instead, just be gentle and persuasive; rather than mentioning that she wasn’t able to raise her child; it would be best to show her how you can raise the child well.

Bring some photos of your home to show to the birth mother. You want her to see that you live in a nice home, do not show off what you are able to give the child and she can’t.

In fact, it is best not to even mention money or property. Just stress how your place is big enough for their child to play in and how they have been making new friends in your neighborhood.

Talk a lot about what their child does and so on, but refrain from mentioning how you may have contributed to their accomplishments. The birthmother will feel guilty enough about giving up her child, without you making them feel even guiltier for not being there.

A key aspect to a successful adoption is communication. Promise the birthmother that you will keep in touch with her if legalities allow it. Let the mom participate in the raising of her child as much as she can or if she can, and you should have no problems with the adoption.

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